My name is Tasha, and I have a Financial Condition.

I have heard of credit counseling… I’m sure somewhere between 2004 and now I could have used it… but I wonder if there is any kind of mental/financial issue that could be treated with therapy or at least good meds.

Currently, I am actually doing well for the moment… at least in some form of recovery, but I have no idea if I’ll find myself in a relapse.

I speak as if not being able to handle money is a disorder.  While I don’t fully believe this personally, looking back in time, I wonder just where my head has been in managing my money.

From the moment I moved out of the house, up until the horrid year 2004, I was in fantastic financial shape- even when Cingular started massive cutbacks that led to my eventual (and total bollocks of a) termination.  Then 2004 came about, and between a terrible break up and an even-worse unemployment, I fell apart.  Having 75% of my income taken away with debt coming out of my years left me with about 15 pounds, insomnia and stress cramps six whole months.  Even when I got two adequate paying jobs between then and last year, I still couldn’t seem to get right.  I became altrustic and defeated, and even when I had the money, I still found myself paying late, as if I was programmed to do so.

After my layoff last April when my boss was sick with cancer, I was so used to the mindset that the time between jobs seemed less like a burden than it did a vacation.  I actually felt… used to being broke… and oddly happy with it.  Then I started my new job in September.  Between that and some great freelance connections, I was back on top.  I was able to buy a few luxuries, go to some GREAT shows, and most of all, I started paying things on time again.  Doing so felt… inexplicably weird.

Now I’ve had my hours cut back at work, but I’m still doing great on the freelance side of things.  I feel comfortable, in spite of a couple ridiculous electricity bills.  But I still feel a sense of dread whenever I shell out money for rent, for water, for cable, for power.  I’ll probably feel the same when my income tax refund comes in a few days.

Maybe I just need therapy in general.